Purpose – the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.
For the past 4 years I have been asked “What are your plans for after high school?”. Every time my answer would be “Well I want to take a gap year to figure out what I want to do”. Then one night I was laying on my floor crying to God at 2am as a senior after 4 years of that simple question “I am nothing, I have no plans, and you’re the one who’s supposed to tell me what to do. What’s holding you up?”. Then I heard him speak to me. I was saying “I want to figure out what I want to do” I wasn’t considering the past four years of what Jesus called me to do. I had never prayed about it until that night. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a purpose or a plan. It was that I wasn’t picking up the phone when Jesus called me to hear my purpose and his flawless plan for me.
In that same moment the Lord placed missions on my heart. I have gone on mission trips while growing up but the one he placed on my heart felt deeper, longer, and more challenging. That’s when I landed on World Race’s website that 2am on a Tuesday night. As I was applying tears slowly streamed down my face. I had a sense of belonging.
I grew up with a big family. Everyone had a purpose it seemed. They each had special callings that made beautiful impacts in the world. I had never felt that. So from 5th grade to Junior year I tried everything and did everything to try to find a place to belong. That led me to end up doing questionable things that were not for God… in fact I was almost working against him it seemed.
I would find something I enjoyed but nothing felt like me. I felt like I didn’t fit in friend groups, school, or extracurriculars. I tried different clothes, hairstyles, spoke differently and still didn’t feel like I belonged. The end of Junior year I struggled the worst. I felt like I didn’t have an identity in Christ. I continuously failed to pray about it, I just hoped things would “click”. Obviously it doesn’t work like that. So this led me to fall into more worldly things.
Then June rolls around and I go to church camp. The camp I have gone to for years and once loved. Before I left I said “Lord if you don’t give me signs here I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” I was DREADING church camp, but of course I went with the little faith I had. The first 3 days were rough. I laid in bed with all the free time we had crying. I was so mad I went, it felt useless. Once again God always has a plan. “Cry night” comes around. We had speakers and worship music but nothing “moved me enough” I told myself. Then we get back to the cabin. I am sitting there feeling this overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame, and that I had no purpose. I spoke up to one of my friends that maybe I should talk to a camp counselor but then I tried to shake it off. Luckily God put it in my friend’s heart that I needed to go, so she dragged me to go speak to a counselor. I told the counselor I am fine and I don’t need to talk but again my friend pushed… so then I went to talk to the counselor.
As soon as we sat down, tears started. I felt relieved and at peace. I begin to spill all the beans. Who I had been, what I had been doing, when I started feeling this way, where my heart had been, and why I had been doing all these things. The counselor began to tell me who I am in Christ and prayed over me. The very next morning the pastor at the camp preached over what the counselor had just said to me. That was my sign from God. That was my call from God. There was more for me.
After camp I continuously leaned towards God in the small things. The big things I tried handling. At first it worked, but God wasn’t meant to just handle the little details he’s meant for the big stuff too. I picked and chose what God could have control over. Of course God showed me he needs control over everything when it was 2am on a Tuesday night on my cold wood floor. That night he told me who I was in him, what I was put on this Earth to do, when I was going, where he called me to be, and why he called me there. So if someone now were to ask me what I was doing after high school, I would simply say chasing after the Lord’s heart while writing love notes to him on the way.
Love,
Ellie
